Am I in an abusive relationship?

In a Healthy Relationship you should:

  • Feel respected, supported, trusted and safe
  • Feel good about yourself
  • Be able to negotiate, compromise and communicate honestly
  • Be free to pursue the life you desire ie work, hobbies, spirituality, relationships
  • Be treated as an equal and be able to act as an equal
  • Be able to say No

DFV Red Flags – behaviors to look out for

Are They…

  • Putting you down or embarrassing you
  • Acting in ways that scare you
  • Looking at you in ways that scare you
  • Withholding or taking money from you
  • Controlling who you see, what you do and or where you go
  • Controlling what you wear
  • Controlling your access to transport
  • Controlling what and when you eat
  • Controlling how or when you use your phone or social media
  • Making you ask permission to do things
  • Pressuring you to drink or take drugs
  • Discouraging you from spending time with friends and family
  • Pressuring you for commitment
  • Policing the times you arrive and leave
  • Preventing you from work or school
  • Negatively commenting on your parenting ability
  • Threatening you or your children
  • Blaming you for their behavior or things that have gone wrong
  • Intimidating you, physically or verbally
  • Breaking, hitting or throwing things to try to scare you
  • Cruel or disrespectful towards animals or children
  • Threatening self-harm over something you have done
  • Pressuring you into sex or sex acts you are not comfortable with
  • Threatening to hurt or kill you
  • Hitting, slapping, choking or physically assaulting you in any way

Or from the Lokahi Foundation (

  • Are you being pressured for commitment too quickly? Is he getting too serious too hurriedly?
  • Does he become angry if you’re late? Always asking where you are and who you were with?
  • Are you being accused of cheating? Does he want to be with you constantly and follow you?
  • Does he try to control what you wear and consistently wants you to ask permission to do things?
  • Do you find yourself being isolated from friends and family? Does he distance you from contacting people? Is he controlling your access to a car? Are you getting in trouble for talking on the phone?
  • Are you being made to give up your financial autonomy? Does he control your bank accounts and credit cards?
  • Does he stop you from accessing social media? Is he regulating your emails and online activity?
  • Does he blame you for anything that goes wrong?
  • Are you being made to feel responsible for how he feels? Is he easily insulted and blows things out of proportion?
  • Does he have rapid and extreme mood swings?
  • Do you find he is cruel or disrespectful to animals or children?
  • Does he try to manipulate you into sexual compliance? Is he showing little concern over whether you want to have sex or not?
  • Does he break things, beat on tables, throw objects to inspire fear?
  • Are you being physically restrained during arguments? Is he using weapons, kicking, hitting, slapping when angry?

Typical excuses for ABUSE

  • They were drunk
  • He/she was stressed
  • I did it to protect you
  • I cant help myself
  • I had a bad childhood
  • I didn’t mean to do it
  • You’re wrong
  • You need help
  • I was having a bad day
  • You provoked me/ You made me do it
  • It was actually your fault
  • It was my fault
  • I had a bad day